Momma

I went to my mothers house on monday to gather the remander of my belongings, while she wasnt there.  My mother has again diowned me due to my sexuality.  My father is standing by my side, he doesnt agree with it yet wont turn his back on me.  My brother feels the same way~unconditional love.  As I was unpacking today I found all types of birthday cards and little "nik naks" she would buy for me.  I completely lost it, crying uncontrolably.  People have asked "are you close with your mom?" and my response is "no." Then why does it hurt you so bad they say.... Because she is my mother regaurdless of how close our relationship is.  As human beings we somehow crave to be accepted not only by peers,strangers, but our familys as well.  I dont think my mother will ever accept me, perhaps on her death bed if evn then.  I cant articulate how I truly feel right now.  I feel like a huge hole is in my heart.  To know your mother dispises you is devistating.  She has told me she can forgive me for any and everything but being a lesbian.  She has said she wishes she never had me or had an abortion, that I make her sick and Im gonna burn in hell.... Im sorry momma this is who I am I did not ask for this and I do love you no matter what!